gifts

gifts.. written on monday

i got two necklaces this week in the mail.. one was from two of my best friends from high school, and has a dragonfly... my mom's favorite, which i have adopted as my favorite too. she started loving dragonflies before my father died.. but after he died, she discovered that the story of the waterbug who turns to a dragonfly is a story about heaven. waterbugs live in dark murky waters, and cant come out. the story says that the waterbugs could see out of the water, and could see beautiful creatures flying above, but those creatures never came to tell them how it was up there. they told each other that if they ever got up there, they would come down and tell each other about it. but when the first waterbug turned to a dragonfly, he realized he couldnt go tell his friends about how beautiful it was.

this is different than butterflies and caterpillars. butterflies and caterpillars both live on land in the same habitat. waterbugs are in water, dragonflies are on land, and each are unable to live in the other habitat. the murky waters are like earth.. the dragonflies fly in heaven.

i am typing this to share with the people who gave me this necklace, one of which didnt know that dragonflies had significance to my family.

i have received many gifts this week in the mail.. they are all very special and i thank you all for them. i am grieving so deeply.. i am thinking that typing this out will make me feel better for the moment.

"Transformations.. memorial necklace for moving through the grieving process: the first months after losing a loved one are a sea of confusing emotions, and the raw grief of new loss. life is suddenly different than we have ever known it to be, someone important is missing, and we need somehow to figure out how to live again, we need to learn a new way of breathing. I created this necklace to help with the transitions and changes that loss brings to our life. there is no doubt that we will always hold our loved ones in our heart, but our life will continue, day by day, as we learn to create something new and nurturing for ourselves. The dragonfly is a symbol of transition. it starts off life as an ugly creature lurking in a dark murky pond, hiding in the mucky stuff in the bottom. And really afterwe have lost someone, that is how we feel.. lost in the dark depths of our grief, wondering if we will ever see the sun again. but slowly overtime, the dragonfly nymph transforms, until one day it leaves the murky water world behind and greets the sun, an iridescent pair of wings to carry it through the rest of its life.. we too will transform."

"Dragonfly.
A thousand tears or more these eyes have cried
and a thousand more lay in wait -
I am bathed with them
and yet my heart is still broken,
and all that is within me aches
with the loss of you, the wanting of you.
There is never a time for this that is right,
never a way that can prepare the heart for this reft.
You have passed through my arms too soon
like sand flowing through fingers
I could not hold you here
though I would try.
I know that your spirit flies free
and in the quiet depths of my heart, I can see you still
in the rhythm of the waves upon the shore
in the crisp fall air that fills my chest,
in the iridescent gleam of each dragonfly
skimming the surface between heaven and earth."

the second necklace is a flower.. it came the next day from the same company, but did not list who it was from.. i thought maybe it was from the same people, but they say it is not. if this is from you, please let me know.

"Forget me Not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body
can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful
as this flower caught in time
A mother's love
does not forget"


I have been waiting for the right time to offer to send out Kathlyn's pictures from the hospital. we havent received the full set from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep yet. so far, ive only shared in person the 3 photos that they gave us for the funeral. I dont know if, when we get the full set, I will be sharing all of them or not. i vaguely remember the photographer saying there will be a password protected site for viewing online. john and i werent sure if everyone would be comfortable seeing these pictures, but so far, no one has refused, and everyones breath has been taken away. i would ask, when i do send them out, please be considerate of how precious they are to me, and dont post them anywhere or share them with anyone else without my permission. i dont think anyone would really do that, i am just saying to be sure. if you felt led to print one, i wouldnt mind, if you felt you had a special place for it or wanted to have it when you're praying for her.. just tell me that you did it.

so.. here goes.. with a heavy heart... if you want to see the pictures.. email me at rutgersbeth@yahoo.com ... i dont know when i will send them out.. it might be tonight or in a week or when i get the full set. but go ahead and email me, so i have the requests in one place. she is so, so beautiful. .. more beautiful than the pictures even show. i wish i could show her off like i planned. my perfect little angel.. i miss you.