dark afternoon and a lighter evening

raw truths
Yesterday at 4:49pm

my milk has dried up.

i spent another 14 hour stretch in bed. i can sleep about 8 hours uninterrupted, and then i wake up a lot, but i find no reason to get out of bed. even when i do get up, it's only to the couch. the reason i had to get up was to feed my daughter with my milk, but now both are gone.

john is trying. he wants me to get out of bed. to go out to dinner. to smile. i dont feel like it.

this is bad. not inspiring. depression is settling in. the "to dos" are done. the funeral is over. the wait for the autopsy results are still over a month away. i dont know when im going back to work. i dont have access to any of my work passwords right now (they expired), so i cant even see my leave paychecks. i havent called HR or disability to confirm the delivery.. how am i supposed to do that? and it matters, because we need the money they will provide. one minute at a time, but the minutes are slow.


a better evening
Today at 12:25am
you've all been good to me, so i will be good to you, so you wont have to worry as much.

i had a dark afternoon, the darkest yet. no person could survive feeling the way i felt this afternoon for very long without being hospitalized under heavy sedatives. i hope those times are few and far between but unfortunatly im afraid they wont be. but tuesday nights are when our small group at church meets. they are called "rock groups", after "Rocky River Church." and truly my rock they have been. i cried as dinner was served, but later i had some smiles and i even laughed. i heard from one of my managers also, and my timecards are being handled so i shouldnt have to worry.

i miss my baby..

like daddy said.. katie we love you. cops dont cry (but nurses definitely do).. but we cry for you.