the facebook entries

im transferring over my facebook entries to this blog as an easier place to show those who want to share and read my thoughts, but do not have facebook.

my previous blog.. from june 16, makes me physically sick. i was so happy and excited, though worried. it's true.. i prayed for a healthy daughter all the time. we are humans, we do not understand why some prayers get answered and some do not. my chest is tight and empty looking at that.


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Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 4:39am


thank you to everyone for the messages, thoughts and prayers. please know that john and i do find comfort in the support.

we still dont know what happened to our sweet baby girl. everything was just fine on our last appointment on tuesday, july 28, and the csection was scheduled for july 31. at the pre-op appointment on july 30, there was no heartbeat. the doctors have no idea why. nothing was apparent at the delivery either. sometime between tuesday evening and thursday morning, she was lost. i believed i felt movement on wednesday and wednesday night, but then again, i was feeling movement on thursday after they told me she was gone, and even sometimes now. it is cruel and unreal. i am just waitng to wake up from this. an autopsy and genetic testing has been performed, but we may never have an answer. i hope they find something - a clot or stricture in the cord, a congential heart defect.. something to explain this terrible tragedy. my life will never, ever be the same. i have waited so long to bring a baby home into my life and i just dont understand why it wasnt time.

my body is healing from the csection, but on monday, we should be able to make arrangements for a funeral service late next week. john and i were able to hold her on thursday night.. My God, she was perfect... our beautiful angel baby forever. she had dark hair like me, and blue eyes like john. it was very difficult, but we decided to let the professional photographers from the hospital come in and do pictures for us, as it would be our only chance.


we are ready and open for anyone to call or text at any time.. that doesnt mean we'll be able to answer, but we will try to call back when we get the chance. once i am home, we will also be accepting, and encouraging, visitors. we may not have a lot to say, but find comfort in the support.


Sunday, August 2, 2009 at 1:58pm
I want to thank everyone again for all the messages of love and support. You all understand that I couldnt possibly respond personally to all of them, but please keep them coming. Please dont feel that the facebook route is impersonal either. Right now, phone conversations are difficult because I just want to cry all the time.. this online route is just the easiest way to reach a lot of people at once.

I slept in my own bed last night with my husband and my dogs by my side, but that doesnt mean it was easy. I was scared to leave the hospital because there I could be a helpless patient, a victim, the center of attention to a compassionate set of doctors and nurses who could remain professional and supportive and I didnt have to support them back. Right now, every single person I know is grieving along with me and I have absolutely no way to comfort any of you in return.. but with the hospital staff, I didnt even have to try. So I was scared to come home, and move on. But before I closed my eyes, I prayed that I would wake back up in my bed on Thursday morning before my appointment and Katie would be alive inside me and we could have the csection like we were suppossed to. Rewind, please just rewind back to that time. But here I stay, Sunday August 2nd, home again with a locked nursery. There was a kink in my life's timeline, and I'm living in an alternate universe somewhere without my daughter.

There is no word for this.. there's orphan, widow, or just bereaved, but no word for a parent who has lost a child. My family has suffered grief before, and my aunt told my mother that there are no "levels of trauma." Trauma just is. There's no reason to say whether one type of grief is worse or easier than another. I will never be over my father's passing, and I'll never understand it either. It's familiar, but still different. We had no warning in either case. One minute they were fine, they were here, and the next minute, they were gone. I have a strong belief that they are together now. I've been told that there is no grief in heaven. I have to think though, that my daddy is sad up there and that he'd let me hold Kathlyn if he could.

As time passed after my father's death, I hate to say that the support slowly dwindled. There was a time, probably months, that everyone continued to check up on me, and for longer, check up on my mom. But slowly, it stopped. Where did the support go? There is one person, a coworker of my father's, who still sends my mom flowers on his birthday. Im asking, I'm begging, please, please do not let your wonderful support for me stop. I need you to message me. I need you to call. I need you to come over. I am so scared for the days, weeks, and months to come. You're not going to upset me by asking or bringing it up. I've had a lot of people tell me, and John, how strong and full of grace we are. But I need you to let me be weak and keep the support coming for a very long time. I dont want to be alone. If you want to ask me "do you need anything..", that is my answer. I just need you to be there.

Monday, August 3, 2009 at 4:44pm
"why the f-- am i planning a funeral?" - john


Monday, August 3, 2009 at 4:48pm
We lost our angel Kathlyn Joy Davis before she had a chance to bless this earth. She was born into the arms of Jesus on July 30, 2009, and we still don't know why, and maybe never will. She was 7lb, 1 oz, 20 inches, with blue eyes like Daddy and dark hair like Mommy.

The wake will start at 6pm on Friday, August 7 at Hartsell Funeral Home in Concord, NC - 460 Branchview Drive NE. The funeral is at the same location, Saturay, August 8 at 2pm, and we will be available after the service to receive visitors. A private cremation will follow.

In lieu of flowers, please make donations to The Rocky River Church Building Fund, PO Box 68, Harrisburg, NC, 28075, in Memory of Kathlyn Joy. This church has been an unmeasurable source of comfort, love, and support for us at this difficult time in our lives, and our church family is so close to breaking ground on our building. Please help us support them, so they can continue to support us in ways we could never repay them for.


Again, I must thank you all for your messages and notes, both private and on my wall. There are too many to respond to each one personally, but they all mean so very much to me, whether I am close to you now, was in the past, or am just a past or current acquaintance of yours. I must say again please don't feel that the facebook route is impersonal. I am thankful for an easy way to connect with all of you.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 2:19pm
a week ago, my baby was alive and well inside me, with proof on the monitor at the doctor's office. i searched for a reason to get out of bed today after 14 hours. to check on my mom, and the dogs had to pee (although they werent asking). those are good enough reasons i guess.


"there's a memory box in our bassinet" - john



Wednesday, August 5, 2009 at 1:22am
i cannot say this enough.. thank you to everyone for all the support and love you have poured over me. it helps so much. please keep it coming. i wear my emotions on my sleeve and i have been told that is so healthy for me to do all this writing and talking.

i have a memory book for the baby that i had to rip many of the pages out of, because it had spots for "firsts".. first tooth, first word, first steps, first through third birthdays.. all the things i'll never get to do with my katie. but i had already worked so hard on the family tree page, the "about mommy" and "about daddy" pages, and the baby shower page, ultrasound information and preparing the nursery. there are pages for "thoughts" and letters, so i am going to gather and print all the special notes i have received. each and every word that has been said has been comforting, but some have really stuck out and i would like to have them all together.

in additon to these, there has been a recurring comment about people praying, thinking, and crying for us, and that thoughts of us keep creeping into all of your minds many many times each day. thank you for sharing in our grief.

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Through Facebook I have followed your life over the past 9 months or so through pictures and updates from a distance. I cannot imagine the pain and emptiness you are feelilng now. Your blogs are a raw and a real window into your thoughts and fears - thank you for letting us in. I'm praying for you and John - that Christ will wrap His loving arms around you, your family and friends and bring you peace, comfort and understanding in the days, weeks, and months to come.



I can only imagine that even the angels are weeping.



You need to do what is best for you right now, even if you don't have a clue what that is. I know in my heart that you're little angel is looking down on you and is awestruck at the strength of her mommy, even if you don't feel like you're strong.


I will be praying for you tirelessly this weekend, Beth, I love you. We all do.



I remember loving to hear you talk about your plans for your sweet baby girl and the glow that came to your face when you talked about Katie. May that glow soon return and peace fill your heart.



My heart is breaking for you. Your dad will take good care of your beautiful angel.



I am not a religious person, but I do believe that God chooses people like you and John to survive these trials because your faith and strong beliefs will carry you through. You and John have been through quite a bit but I am sure your union only gets stronger and the two of you will prevail. That said, I am beyond sorry that you had to go through all of this.. I still believe that you are meant to be a mommy, and someday you will be. Although they say "time heals all wounds" I'm quite sure this one will create a permanent void. I cannot even imagine being in your shoes.. but as I said, if anyone can make it through, it's you and John.



I think the only thing to cling to in this kind of heartbreak is that God is still God and He still loves you and He loves Kathlyn. She Will be your precious angel baby forever, just as you so beautiful put in your note. We are praying for you and John every time the Lord brings you to mind.



I am really at a loss for words, but know that my heart speaks volumes…
I know that you will never be the same, and no one expects you to. I can't begin to understand the pain you and John are feeling. To hear your strength in these messages brings me comfort. You are allowed to be "weak."




God suffered all our pains and knows what you are feeling at this very time. Pray to Him for support and don't be afraid to ask Him why. You may not receive a revelation to why you are going though this but you can ask. I believe in my heart that she is with your father. He is taking care of her. Your Heavenly Father is also holding her in His arms. I know that you wish it wasn't this way and I wish you weren't going through this pain.


I heard the totally heart breaking news that NO mother ever wants to hear. I hope you know my heart is bleeding so much for you and your family and for Kathlyn who will never get to experience all the love that her mom and dad have for her. Beth I know she had to be the most beautiful child and that she felt all the love and nourishment you gave her in the nine months she had with you. I feel like the world just wants to hug you right now and I hope you can feel it.



The worst feeling in the world is to feel alone, and afraid. Communicating is the best thing, and I admire your strength in all of this. I can honesty say this to the both of you without any reservation, I feel very blessed to know the both of you. You are on my mind 24/7, and in my thoughts and prayers.


Though we haven't been close in recent years, as long as I've known you, you've had one the biggest hearts and have been a born mommy. Katie was very lucky to have someone who loves her so much, even if she never got to expereince it on the outside world. But now I know, and I'm sure you do too, that your dad is up there with his beautiful grandaughter on his knee, taking good care of her while watching over you in this terrible time. You've been in my thoughts and you will remain there for a long time to come.



I am so sorry to hear about Katie. I was looking forward to seeing her smiling face in the world. If anyone deserved her, you did.


I wish i could have held her too, and if i miss her this much and i'm only an un-related "aunt" i can't begin to imagine what a deep sense of loss and pain you and John must be experiencing every second. All i know is that i too feel that life is unfair, and things are not the way they are supposed to be. I miss you and love you. I have been praying for a supernatural peace to surround your family; especially you and John. Not the kind of peace that says everything is ok, because everything is not ok, but the kind that enables you to take the next breath knowing you are not alone and that there is always a hand you can reach out to. Mine is always here.
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Wednesday, August 5, 2009 at 6:10pm
i took a shower this morning. john vacuumed. these are the boring status updates that make people roll their eyes and say "seriously, do i really care that you took a shower and vacuumed your house today?" although coming from us, i bet it makes you all so happy. one moment at a time.



i opened facebook, and i saw an empty inbox, and my heart dropped to the floor. then i realized, johns sisters facebook was open, and it was actually her that had no messages. when i signed into mine, i was relieved i had 6. please, please keep them coming, i cant ask you enough. i know how it felt when i thought i had no messages. keep them coming. you cant upset me because im already there, say what is on your mind. messages for john also please, this is his loss too.


Thursday at 5:43pm
while drifting to sleep last night, my mind raced with thoughts im not strong enough to share. prayers please that they dont come back. it's no secret that "generalized anxiety" is on my medical history list. i opened my eyes and john wasnt next to me. he has trouble sleeping. (it's no secret that's on his medical history list). my voice wasnt loud enough as i called out for him. i rang on the phone and he came to me. his arms feel so good around me. i want his arms around me and mine around katie and i'd never let go.



Saturday at 11:49am

thoughts on the morning of my daughter's funeral.


my feet are back to normal size again.


my heart isn't. at times it feels so empty in my chest. at times, it is heavy with grief and i can't function. at times, i get a respite, whether that's just forgetting reality for a second, or that im feeling the love of family and friends. and that respite allows me to write. im glad i have so many listeners.

my brothers and i all had the strength to speak at our father's funeral. there will be an oppurtunity at kathlyn's funeral for anyone to share thoughts with us. it's so hard for me to think.. we have no memories of her. just the ones while she was inside me, and the memories, people tell me, how i would light up when i talked about her coming and how we'd be the best parents for her. i dont think people are blowing smoke when im told i would be the best mommy.. and john the best daddy.. and that we truly deserve children more than many people who actually have them. we never got to hear her cry, see her eyes, or change her diaper. i only fed her through my body. she never got to taste my milk or look at john from behind a bottle.. bright blue eyes looking at bright blue eyes. we are so sorry, our little angel, so so sorry.

i had a dear friend visit last night. she said she was actually comforted that kathlyn went straight from my womb, a warm place, to heaven, even warmer, and that she was never scared. i hadnt thought about it that way, and that is comforting. but i still just want her here. i would have kept her warm and safe and loved. i accept that cant compare to heaven. but i promise, this mother's love has to be pretty close.


played at the funeral today
Sunday at 12:29am


"i'm gonna walk with my granddaddy.. and he'll match me step for step. i'll tell him how i missed him every minute since he left, and then i'll hug his neck."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBAdmbL9LNU



Sunday at 1:01am More about the Funeral
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0LV_p3HQQI

Praise You in this storm..

the lyrics are so accurate they could have come straight from our hearts.


the beautiful wife of the man who played these songs for us at the funeral was telling me how strong i was to listen to this song.. but i think she gave me too much credit. i am trying with everything in me to praise God through this.. it takes a lot of effort to even say my own prayers. i prayed so long for a healthy baby, for katie to be ok. she's ok now.. i know she's ok.. she's more than ok up in heaven with my father and everyone's Father. she's just not "ok" in the way i meant.. i meant for her to be ok here with me, in my arms and in John's. and i dont know if she was a healthy baby or not. was she sick or dying from some disease, or was this a horrible accident like a blood clot that took her... something she wasnt strong enough to overcome and i wasnt strong enough to save her from. my brother tim spoke today and he said even if we get the medical answer.. a disease process or acute medical accident, will that even be satisfactory? that medical reason, if answered, will stlll leave us wondering why. the dream will still be shattered. my brother and i are both in the medical field.. led to believe that diseases can be cured.. but they all cant. there is no guarantee in life.. absolutely no guarantee that any of us will still be here and alive tomorrow or even an hour from now. life is short and fragile and he said he felt like a small bunny in a large open field with no shelter. he said he has trouble feeling happy.. how could he feel happy now without feeling guilty. that shattered dream, he said, made it hard to imagine ever being strong enough to try again.. but that he imagined someday a table with a brother and a sister for katie, and a birthday cake every july 30. my brother was so brave today... thank you.. what a sweet uncle tim.

"my strength is almost gone, how can i carry on if i cant find You.."


i dont understand what happened to my baby girl... but i can praise God for sending us so many wonderful people to love and support us in this storm.