doctor

doctor. written on facebook august 19, 10:46pm

i had a good day today. i can say it has been my best day since july 29. each time i allow myself to admit it's been a good day, i feel guilty. how can i possibly have a good day after my baby has died. i suggested to my mother that we have subway for lunch.. it was my idea and not just her begging me to eat. i wanted subway.. how normal. what is normal after my baby has died.. normal is getting out of bed. normal is not having a brick weighing on my chest ALL day. normal is smiling. normal is watching america's got talent. normal is having a glimpse of hope given to me today by my doctor.


not all doctors are this way. i have seen doctors at the hospital who just really do not care, not about their patients, the families, or other staff. why a person without compassion for other people would chose to become a doctor, i do not understand. i have had doctors personally show me they do not care.. an ob/gyn in new jersey, actually, told me once that she couldnt answer any more of my questions because she had other patients to see, amongst medical mistakes she made and other rude backhanded comments. wow. this was over 7 years ago and it still gets me when i think about it. however, the obstetricians at my practice are made of gold. i have been saying how wonderful they are for months now.. even before i was pregnant, i knew only 1 of the group and i found him to be professional and compassionate. he offered his time, medical advice, kindness and sensitivity always. through my pregnancy i slowly met all of them and was never disappointed. while hospitalized, 4 of the 8 were on duty, and each of those 4 came to see us without being asked. one of them even came in especially on saturday, while not on duty, just to check on us.

i think part of my good day can be attributed to this: i love my doctors and i can be 100% certain that this terrible tragedy is not their fault in any way. there is nothing they missed, nothing they could have done differently, and no way this could have been predicted. i was closely monitored and that tuesday appointment before she died, as well as every other time i was monitored including the version procedure, the baby gave them no indication that this was about to happen. there are still many "what ifs" that will plague me as long as i live.. but no mistake was made by these doctors. they truly care about me as a person and my doctor today proved this once again.

i felt scared and overwhelmed as usual as we drove to the office and walked through the doors. the front desk staff know me well... with my close monitoring, i was seen weekly for the last 8 or 9 weeks, and we always joked because one week it would say we were employed and the next week it would say we were unemployed without insurance. so each time, we had to correct the form and they had no idea why the computers switched back and forth like this. it has been 3 weeks now since i walked through their doors and up to their desk. she smiled at me the smile im sure they give everyone that CMC requires you to give. then, the smile of recognition. then, quickly, the face of remembrance. oh. oh no. this is the one who lost her baby. then, the smile of feeling sorry for me, without actually acknowledging my loss with words. she was sorry, i could tell.

the nurse that led me to the exam room, i did not recognize. for 9 months ive been on "the OB side." today, i was back on "the GYN side." this doesnt matter, the only real difference is that i didnt have to leave a urine sample for protein, get BP checked, or get weighed. what mattered was that i was getting to see the doctor i wanted to see. he is the one i saw on july 28, my last blissful appointment, and the one i didnt get to see in the hospital that i would have liked to. i like him because he is a good mix of medical knowledge as well as highly compassionate, where some of the others are more of one and less of the other. not that they have less medical knowledge, just that they focus more on the emotional side unless specifically asked a medical question. i just feel at this point that i need both. anyway, although i didnt know this nurse, it was made clear to me that she was aware of my situation. when i sat on the exam table, everything that was building up for the morning came out, and i burst into tears. she was not shocked by this as i was afraid she would be, since i dont know her, and ask something stupid like "OMG, what is wrong?!" you should know what's wrong.. and she did. she just came to me, put her arm on my back and said "im so sorry, the doctor will be here in just a minute. im getting you another chair [for my mom]. can i get you anything else?" after a few minutes, she came in again and said "im sorry he's taking so long, but he really wants to give her some time, so he's seeing everyone else first." i said to my mom and to john, "i do that.. when i know a family in a certain room will take a long time, i see them last." i appreciated that and didnt mind waiting. i liked knowing that he expected to stay in the room with us for awhile, because i definitely had a lot to ask, but didnt know where to start.

when he came in the room, the first thing he did, when prompted by me that i found it appropriate, was give me a hug. a real one. you know what i mean.. everyone has had awkward and meaningless hugs. this was not. he said he was so, so sorry and that he's been thinking of me a lot, that they all had. he must have known that i didnt know where to start, so he did it for me. asked if im having trouble sleeping, and i said with conviction "no" and he said "the opposite, huh?" then, asked about my appetite, we discussed the weight loss, stomach aches, and how the surgical pain has been, and how the incision is healing. (upon examination of the incision at the very end, it is fine). he stated that these things were all normal and expected... that i shouldnt be hard on myself or ever feel that i am grieving or healing too quickly or too slowly. there is no right way or right amount of time. the decreased appetite is ok.. just try for protein if nothing else, since im recovering from surgery.

i shared with him my anxieties how im so scared to become pregnant again. i used words and phrases that ive used here. how im scared to get out of bed, but scared im sleeping too much, scared to get pregnant too fast but scared not to get pregnant. that im scared i did something to cause this.. scared that i layed flat in my recliner, worked too hard, cleaned my house too vigorously the last day, caught a disease from a patient, didnt drink enough water. he said he understood being "the olympic champion of guilt" for what went wrong, but that "a terrible thing HAPPENED TO YOU, you did not DO a terrible thing." that it was "random and cruel but exactly just that.. random." and rare.. very rare. rare, and unpredictable, but even more rare for something like this to happen to the same person twice. he said this happens maybe 2-3 times per year in their practice, and about half of the times, there is no explanation. since there was no cord accident seen at delivery, we can rely only on the autopsy and so often, there are no answers there. it is only conjecture, but he believes the best guess was a clot in the umbilical cord, considering how random, unexpected, and quick her death was. he is also the first doctor to say that yes, because of the 2 vessel cord, a clot would be possibly more likely. all other doctors have implied that though stillbirths are correlated with 2 vessel cords, there is no reason why. He was not saying this was definitive.. just possible. he also said that the placenta and cord are filled with clotted blood after delivery.. they are suppossed to be. so it can be very hard to tell if one of the clots is older and caused this. as was already clear to us, we may never get an answer. but what is also clear, no answer will make it easier. maybe they will tell us with certainty it was a clot.. but the whys will be there still... why did there have to be a clot, why did this have to happen to us, why couldnt she just have been deliverd earlier. it is a tragedy no matter if it's explained or not. our hearts will stay broken and she wont come back. it might just offer an extra glimpse of that hope that this wont happen to us again. or if it was something other than a clot, such as a congenital deformity or some sort of infection, answers on how to prevent that happening again, too.

he also talked a lot about my next pregnancy. he also reccommended, like the other doctors at the hospital, to wait 6 months to try again to give my body proper time to heal from the surgery. he said "you'll be sick of us the next time!" (no, really, i wont. trust me.) i will have even more NSTs than last time, more blood tests, ultrasounds, lots of screens. i will have more bloodwork 8 weeks from now to test for rare genetic things or abnormalities. he is quite sure these arent the cause, but they check all bases. he understands how worried we will be. "just call me!" he said, many times. that i can call every day, or even every 8 hours if i think of something else. the doctor at the hospital said they could deliver at 37 weeks by csection. he said today the could do an amnio at 36 weeks and deliver if the lungs are ready. amniocentesis is scary and risky too... i will cross that bridge later although it's sounding like they might opt to do one early if they are talking about all this extra testing to start with.

we also discussed going back to work and another thing i appreciate so much is that he acknowledged me as a specific person with a specific line of work... pediatric nursing on an infant/toddler floor, who often floats to the neonatal intensive floor... infants and newborns. i dont work in a bank at a desk with adults or where i can hide from people or not answer the phone if im having a bad day or even a bad minute. he understands that i may not be ready after my allowed 12 weeks. i am really, really hoping i will be ready before that, but if im not, they are willing to help in any way they can. we also talked about how i was constantly afraid during this pregnancy about my exposure to all the diseases at work as well, and how it will certainly be worse the next time around. but he said that was also not the cause of katie's death. if i had been exposed to disease at work, it would have presented differently, such as a uterine infection. i probably would have been sick too.


when i look at her pictures, it still always comes to mind "i am so sorry my baby." i will learn to accept that this wasnt my fault, not anyone's fault. it could not have been predicted and everything was done right. but i am still so, so sorry my baby. i wanted to take care of you and love you and laugh with you and keep you safe in my arms, and i cant. my heart, though lighter today, is still broken and always will be. the smiles, the tears, no matter which there are more of on any day, they are all for you.