hold on tight
Thursday at 4:35am
I am amazed.
In one of the earliest days, my cousin told me in a note of condolence that she is "regularly amazed at what the human heart can endure."
I have been amazed by the outpouring of support that the human heart.. many of your hearts.. has given to my husband and me. We are surrounded.. one thing he said is that we have the most wonderful family and friends who care about us.. something that before, he hadn't been entirely sure of. We are the luckiest unlucky people we know.
I had a vision of a painting of my daddy in heaven holding Kathlyn. I contacted a professional company online, who paints portraits of incredible detail from photographs. I inquired if they could paint one using two or more photos of my dad holding her with a heavenly background. He said he "wasnt sure it could be done", that he'd have to see the photos first. Well.. you're artists, aren't you? Improvise.. for crying out loud (literally).. Ive seen what youve done by your own examples, if you accomplished this, what an advertising boost, at the very, very least, to be able to say you could make custom photos. Not to mention warming the heart of a family who is in the very deepest of despair.
Then out of the blue.. I got a message from a friend at work, that she had a friend who wanted to draw and paint a photo of Kathlyn. Wow... my mom had even suggested finding a UNC Charlotte art student in need of some money who might be willing. How on earth would i find someone like that? And then, someone is magically dropped into my life. This woman has some serious talent. In less than an hour and maybe even less than 30 minutes, after seeing some of Katie's photos, she sketched one and it was in my inbox. She's going to do one of Katie with her granddaddy.
Amazed.. I am amazed. I told her this is wonderful and kind and that there is hope in this dark dark world. I dont even know her.. and out pours her heart a gift for a stranger who is hurting. She said.."There are good people in this world. They are the ones who get you through the dark times. And when you find those people hold on to them tight."
Thu at 7:33pm
i want my baby. this is my first thought when i wake up and my last thought when i go to bed. it crosses my mind.. wait.. how many seconds are there in a day? 86,400. except im only awake for about 10 hours each day. i dont know though.. i probably still think about my baby more than eighty-six thousand times per day, in those 10 waking, grief filled hours. today i feel physically sick. my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my chest feels tight, my incision is sore, my muscles and my joints ache, im dizzy... the symptoms of a broken heart, 4 weeks post diagnosis.
i want my baby. i am angry and frustrated, one of many reasons, i want my baby so i can congratulate all those friends of mine on facebook who are pregnant and have infants who's darling little faces scatter my homepage. im not begrudging these people.. this should never have to happen to anyone. deep down inside somewhere, im happy for you, even though i dont feel it in my spirit.. i love your babies... babies are my favorite thing, and i used to comment joyfully on babies i hardly know, babies who belong to friends of friends or people i maybe only knew briefly in my life... but i cant reach down deep enough to say anything anymore, even to my closest friends. im sorry for that. i just want my baby.. and i know you're sorry for that too.
the missing angels bill
Fri at 7:41pm
i mentioned the other day my conversation with john (over ice cream) about losing money in taxes this year. it's ridiculous to even care about losing money in comparison to losing our child, but it's just another kick to our horribly bruised souls. with no birth certificate, it's as if she didn't exist to the govermnent. we were also denied life insurance from john's work, which would have been enough to cover funeral expenses and a little more. when john visited HR to look into this, her exact words were "if the baby had been born and lived for 2 minutes, you'd have been eligible. i'm sorry." great.
there is such a thing as a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. not all states provide them. from what ive read, it looks like NC is "pending" passing the bill allowing these.
infant death in the womb at full term claims a whopping 10 times more infants than does SIDS. we all know about SIDS, we all know there is research and there are things you can do that have significantly prevented it. yet there is very little research or media attention to stillbirth. 1 in 115 births are still. that is just a little less than 1%. of every 115 mothers you know, 1 will have lost her baby to this. hi, that's me.
Arizona has come the farthest with this cause. they have a one time tax exemption and provide those certificates. thousands of dollars are invested in preparation for the arrival, and then funeral, when a child is stillborn. yet the "fetuses" are not counted by the CDC in infant mortality rates. kathlyn was a baby.. she was perfectly formed, alive, and then died. she was an infant.. trust me, i saw her.
"let me know if you need anything." i need you to read this. watch the public service announcement. donate. im trying to figure out what i can do. it takes me so much energy to do anything, i cant focus for very long and i get frustrated and have to stop looking.
http://www.missingangelsbill.org/default.html
im still struggling daily to even get out of bed. i have wanted a baby for my entire life.. as a child i begged my mother to have a baby brother or sister for me. i cradled my first baby doll lovingly at christmas when i was 20 months old, my own pacifier still in my mouth. that is why i often said i feel like ive been pregnant for 27 years. i feel like im still pregnant now. i am pregnant with "want". i want my baby. i am still waiting to have another one some day, some day soon i hope. but it wont change what ive lost. i can have 1 more baby, 5 or even 10, and kathlyn will still be missing. what wil it take... 30 years of "pregnancy".. 80 weeks of physical pregnancy to actually bring a living child home? but i still have the crippling fear that this will happen to me again, made worse by not knowing HOW this happened, so how am i going to prevent it? my lifelong dream shattered, i am left with so much grief, fear, and sobs heard round the world.
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