my heart, not the valentine kind

I'm not really sure why I have baby powder. You're not supposed to put baby powder on baby girls. They might die. Babies do that, you know. How this escaped a pediatric nurse, I don't know. Last night I was writing baby names on the paper tablecloth at a restaurant. Without even looking at any lists, just from the top of my head, I could think of a whopping 72 baby names in the 10 minutes we waited for the food. 72 newborns who died for no reason in particular. Some had a medical reason for their passing.. but no reason is ever good enough for the parents left with the remains of their own permanently damaged yet still beating hearts. I think 72 mothering hearts skipped a beat when their babies' stopped. I know mine did. And I'm honestly not really sure it ever restarted. I can feel something in my chest racing and thumping way harder and faster than it used to.. surely this isn't the heart I used to know. I know you need your heart to live.. you need all your organs except for a few you can do without like the gallbladder, appendix, and I have an aunt with only one kideny. Kathlyn was like an organ. I can't live without her. That's right. I can't. That is why I talk to her every day, talk about her, cry for her, write her name, buy things for her, hold her blankets, leave her room all set up, brush past the bassinet in the corner of my bedroom right by the entrance to my bathroom. It has a blanket draped over the side that says "princess." It has a flower mobile with only 3 "arms" because I broke the 4th when I was setting it up while still pregnant. It has her memory box and 5 pink puppies collected in her honor. It has two of her outfits folded, one of which I dreamed about her wearing, a picture frame that says "God Bless This Baby Girl." It has baby lotions and bubble bath and wipes and burp cloths folded in the baskets on the shelf below. The newborn size diapers which had been removed from their plastic covering have been removed from the baskets and given away. Many more diapers still in the plastic are in the closet in her room, up to size 3. A clean baby smell. Untouched. Baby diapers are supposed to smell bad, not good and fresh. So I am living with all of this cleanliness instead of baby stickiness. Clothing unworn. Toys with tags and still in boxes since the baby shower. A crib that has never had a baby inside. Strollers that have never touched outside ground. A baby bath that has never seen a drop of water. Brand new and Unused. All of it.

But I have baby powder and sometimes I put it on after I take a shower and then I am reminded of another clean baby smell.

Kathlyn, my heart, my little Valentine, my sweet princess, you are still my baby.