Happy 4th Day

I went on a church retreat in 11th grade called "Search".. it's a very faith inspiring and emotional weekend and you leave feeling completely released, refreshed, and on a spiritual high. The retreat lasted the weekend.. Friday, Saturday, Sunday.. 3 days. They warned you that you'll go home on this high, but the rest of your family and friends won't be on it. After three such fulfilling days, day number 4 might be hard to come down to. So at the end everyone said "happy 4th day, happy 4th day, have a happy 4th day!" I got home and the difficulties didn't start on Monday, the 4th day.. I had barely walked in the front door and was trying to tell my mother about the weekend, and my grumpy brother from the couch yelled "get out of the way! you're blocking the TV!" and a little bit of the high had already been shot down.. I remember thinking, well, that didn't take long :-/

My mother brought me a few things that were being stored at my grandmother's house. Among them was some of my school pictures. This picture is from 10th grade. I was 15. This is literally half my life ago. How could as much time have passed since this photo, that had passed in my ENTIRE life before it? Embarrassing that I have the exact same hairstyle, but that is really the only similarity I see. Half a year ago, I still had that same smile. I was thinner, innocent, not as weathered by life. I didn't know I would marry a man different than the one I met just before this photo was taken and spent the rest of high school with. I didn't know my daddy was going to die, and miss the wedding. I didn't know I was going to be a pediatric nurse. I didn't know I would lose a child. I don't think I really knew anything at all. I thought homework and volleyball practice and youth group and passing notes was all there was to life. At the time, I suppose it was. I didn't have facebook or a cell phone or a driver's license or a job.

Wow.. I don't know what else to say on the matter. That's just what being a teenager is. "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then..." - Bob Seager.

I had 6 core girlfriends, give or take a few here and there depending on the day. One of them came to my wedding, two of them to my baby's funeral, and three of them I still would list on my "core girlfriends" from New Jersey list. That's half, and I think that's more than fairly impressive. Maybe there are more similarities than I thought.

I had my last day of the treatment program today. I have been terrified since the middle of last week that I wasn't ready to go. I thrived on the structure of the program. Tell me exactly what to do and when to do it, I don't have to think or plan anything. Get up at the same time every day. Drive this route. Park in this lot. Sit there. Open this book. Read that. Write this down. Tell us how you feel. Eat that. Be back at this time from break. Go home. Don't hurt yourself. Go to bed early. Get up again and come back. Tell us how you feel. Repeat for 15 days.

Like I said before, because all I do these days is repeat myself, I think the best part is that I could talk about Kathlyn all day every day. It was such a release and completely self indulgent. I'm still the grieving mother, I still don't want to let her go, I still have a little shadow of guilt that feeling better means I'm dishonoring her, but the improvements are totally evident. I don't even have to speak, and people can tell. Everywhere I go - church, bible study, running into people at the grocery store, even the kindermourn parents group that I'm also attending once a week, they can tell as soon as they look at me because I sit up straighter, my hair is out of my face, I talk more and even (gasp!) smile sometimes.

On each person's last day, everyone else in the group is supposed to say something nice about the person, something encouraging, and how that person has helped them so far in the program. Anyone can start or end on any day, so some people I was with the whole time, some people left before me, and some just started a day or two ago, so you get varying levels of how well the person knows you or how much you've affected them yet. But for me, pretty much everyone says the same thing.. that they are encouraged and inspired by me. That their day is brightened just because they saw me smile once or even twice. How if *I* can have the strength to come to the program, they should be able to too because they see their difficulties as less than mine. That they appreciate their children more now. That they hope for me to get pregnant soon. That they will pray for me. And I could never tire of hearing any of it, even 6 times in a row from each person.

My personal counselor in the group was a perfect match for me because she has lost a child herself (much older than Kathlyn and many years ago). She has been what she called "a kindermourn mom" herself, as a client and now she works there as a counselor. She knows the pain of losing a child and she recognizes our link. She was saying how she noticed that everyone had positive and encouraging things to say but she knows the road ahead of me is still going to be long and hard. I don't know if she said that because it's simply just the raw truth, or if because she knows me so well, knows I need that validation that "it will never be ok that she died", so she knows I would want to hear more than just the sunshine and roses and "you're gonna do great".. that I need the thorns and rain recognized too. Who knows.. maybe a little of both.. she is very good at her job, knows what she is doing, professionally and on a level of personal experience.

The main things I've learned are "no more buts", "fake it til you make it", and to stop, what they call, "awfulizing and catastrophizing."

No more.. MOTHER OF PEARL! I DIDNT OVULATE! I'M NEVVVVVERRRRR GOING TO HAVE A BABY! I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT! I'M SO UNHEALTHY! I LET MY HUSBAND DOWN! I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY EVER AGAIN! That is "awfulizing." I completely lost my shit when I didn't ovulate. I was convinced I would never get pregnant, my body would never do right, I would never be a mother, never never ever and ever Amen.. Except that, a week later, I ovulated. Hm. Well then. My bad.

Easier said than done though.. another mantra of theirs in reference to anxiety is that things are rarely as bad as they seem - true when you look at the fact that I eventually ovulated, it was just delayed - and that you should ask yourself when you are worried, "what's the worst that could happen?"

Hm. Well then. Their bad. Score one for me. The worst DID happen and the rebuilding of my trust towards the universe is going to take more than 15 days.

Fake it til you make it.. I dont want to get out of bed probably at least 4 days out of the week. But, just get out of bed. I dont want to brush my teeth. Well, just brush your teeth. I don't want to fix anything to eat. Ok, so just buy quick and healthy things and drink a lot of water. Just go through the motions. I don't like it, but I guess I don't have to. It's just time fillers, and I don't like that either, I don't like that August 2009 until whenever I get pregnant feels like a throw away year. I'm just so motivated to get pregnant and get my motherhood back, since that is the other loss that I am grieving in addition to my daughter. In the meantime, try to pass the time in a more healthful way. But that "in the meantime" is just filled with grief and despair and it's wearing me out very quickly. I had all my little ducks lined up so perfectly.. great husband, great job, financial security, great house, great friends, great church, strong faith, and my little cherry on top baby girl on the way. And then, slam. The shot heard round the world... hell hath no fury like a woman being told her baby has no heartbeat. Deeper cries have never been sobbed. What does a grizzly bear do when her cubs are threatened? She mauls you. So... in the meantime...

I'm trying, I'm trying. I'm faking it. I can't tell if I'm making it. One of the girls today said with such genuine caring, "You are so strong. But I think you don't feel like you are.." Damn straight.

And the hardest one for me.. "no more buts.."

It's ok to feel better. Period.**
I have a wonderful husband. Period.
I have such great support from my friends. I have fun with them. They make me smile. Period.
My dogs are silly; they love me and make me laugh. Period.
My body is regulating. Period.
I believe deep down I will have more children. Period.
I have an awesome job, and I'm good at it. Period.

No more buts.

**I want to add to each of these... "but, my baby died, and it's not ok. She's still gone, and always will be."

So tomorrow is the new "4th day".. I left today realizing that I was wanting to stay, afraid to leave, but really clinging to nothing.. I've gotten everything I can out of the program and it's time to move on and try to use what I've learned to continue to feel better. I still have Kindermourn, a new doctor.. I can try to sugarcoat the stigma, but it's my reality right now.. that means I have a psychiatrist, and the continued ongoing support of my already established doctors (especially that heavensent OB and his staff), family, church, friends, coworkers, and the best for last, my faithful and limitless God.

Happy 16th Day to me... I feel like I'm diving in headfirst without checking for water.. but I am trying to rest assured that the people I listed above arend standing by with buckets full, ready to pour in before I reach the bottom. I'm allowing myself to let day 16 be a downer day in comparison to the daily therapy and structure I've grown used to.. the nurse who works there gave me a big hug before I left, told me "ok, you can have one day tomorrow as a downer, but only the one, make sure you do something for yourself on Friday and then every day after that to get through it" and she also said she was sorry for being so "hard on me" but she knew it was "what I needed" and she's right. I told her I wanted from the beginning for her to be blunt, with no frills. I was so stubborn in the beginning and so protective of Kathlyn's memory and my role as the grieving mother, but I see they really did know what they were doing. The relaxation exercise I did was basically life changing; I saw and felt my baby which is something every mother prays she will dream about when she goes to sleep. I can admit, completing the program, I do feel better.

...but**