post to my policewives group

here is what i posted on my policewives page that i frequent. i have gotten many heartfelt and valuable responses, which i will also add.

so at this point all of you know that my husband and i are trying for our first baby.. i should know soon as my period is due this week... i really have no idea what to expect... at time i feel like i want to cry even easier than usual, but im an emotional woman all the time so i cant gauge by that heh. but right now im feeling like my period is coming, so who knows.

well, it's been presented to me the oppurtunity to go to tanzania, africa to go on a mission trip. it would be in june, which in all honesty is right around the corner.. we'd only be delaying the baby stuff for 6-7 months.

what a life changing oppurtunity that would be.. and i can still have babies after i do that. john really wants to go too. the chance to see mt kilamanjaro, go on a safari, and then love on poor children and introduce them to the Lord?! WOW!

but i have wanted a baby seriously for like 14 years... yes i was one of THOSE teenagers who thought having a baby to love and to love me back was the answer to all teenage angst. not that i TRIED by any means, i wasnt even sexually active, but i was like "aw! i want a baby!" and since i was about 3 or 5 i BEGGED my mom to have another baby, so really, ive wanted a baby for pretty much all my life, and until now, i've had reason to wait. not married yet, no money, still in school.. and now, VOILA.. IM READY! but here's ANOTHER reason to wait!? GAH! i dont know if i can delay anymore!!


then there's all the danger that comes with a trip overseas right now. most of the political stuff going on in africa is in somalia, sudan, and a few other countries... tanzania is one of the safest. and pete knows that im around sick children ALL the time... but umm.. im used to having gloves, protective equiptment, and oppurtunity for cleaning and handwashing... it will feel very different to just jump right in near sick kids. i dont know. MAN that makes me sound cold hearted! im just being honest here, brutal or not, im pouring my heart out.


i want to mother a child before i turn 30. even if i had the baby on april 4, 2010, i would be 29 and a mother, and turn 30 the next day. it's silly, i know, but ive wanted a baby for so long, i just cant imagine waiting until im 30. that means i need to be pregnant by july 2009. and this trip is june 2009. wow that's cutting it close. but i also feel like its taking forever to get pregnant anyway!!! maybe it will take that long anyway, and i will miss out on such a grand oppurtunity.

i can also do a mission trip after i have children, i suppose. but leaving them would be hard, although people do it. or, i could do it in 18-20 years when my children are mostly grown.


listen to me, trying to talk myself out of this.. rational and irrational thoughts, they're all there, trying to think of reasons not to go. and then i watch the video below and it's all out the window. i even told john we should just go ahead and go and bring a baby back with us haha.



ive lifted the situation up to God... extra prayers for the right decision, please. and thank you for listening.