it always comes back to this

I was in the middle of something.

Getting ready to leave. I have to get my driver's license renewed. It expires on my birthday, and I really have no desire to get stuck at the DMV *on* my birthday.

It doesn't really matter what I'm doing.. I'm always thinking of Kathlyn. It's not because there are reminders of her all over my house. Her photographs, pink puppies, pink... well.. everything. It's not because I draped my jeans over her basinett that's still in my room that made me think of her. I just... always am. And when I feel the need to write, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I write.

It's true that you have enough love in your heart to love your children all equally. Despite any efforts (there weren't many, honestly), I am powerless to stop the deep attachment to my new baby. And the horrifying thing is, I have no way of knowing if she's alive right now. (Or he, either one. I just think it's a girl again.)

I watched "The Secret Garden" last night. One of the other moms had the theme song on her page, and so I added it to mine, and had plans to watch the movie ever since. I *swore* that a child died in that movie, and that is part of what made me desire to watch it: misery loves company. But I remembered wrong, the child doesn't die. So I wondered, was I thinking of a different movie, and confused it with that one? So I tried to search online for "movie where a child dies."

My Girl, What Dreams May Come, Pay It Forward, My Sister's Keeper, The Lovely Bones... those were the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Some others listed were Gladiator, Minority Report, The Sixth Sense, Schindler's List... and various movies where lots of children die such as Independence Day, 2012, Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, Titanic.

Not a very popular subject. The first five that I listed were the only ones I can think of where a main character, someone you "get to know", is a child who dies... It's just something people don't want to think about. And yet, something that so many of us live every day.

It never fails to come back to this: she died for no reason. No medical reason and no worldly reason. I don't know why OR how she died.

To me, there is no reason any baby should die anywhere. I don't believe God has any need for a little baby, nor does He plan for them to be conceived only to die. If you believe that your baby died for a reason, and it comforts you for his or her death not to be senseless, I'm not trying to take that away from you. You dont have to follow my beliefs any more than I have to follow yours.

Having a medical reason doesn't make it any easier, I know this. There's anencephaly, diabetes, cord accidents, placental insufficency, congenital and genetic defects and syndromes, the trisomies, infection, eclampsia, HELLP, incompetent cervix, prematurity, placental abruption, there are so many ways for babies to die. I was aware that babies could die for these reasons. But I WAS NOT AWARE THAT THEY DIE FOR NO REASON. I must rephrase.. ALL babies die for no reason. But my baby also died with absolutely no explanation.

At approximately 21 weeks I was at work talking to the two other pregnant nurses.. we were all due around the same time, and they had both felt their babies kick and I had not. One is very thin, and small frames feel kicks earlier; the other was her second baby, and they feel earlier too. So they were trying to reassure me that it was ok. I said these exact words: "Babies don't just die in the second trimester for no reason, right?!" as tears welled up. The other nurse said "oh Beth, no!" Apparently she wasn't aware either.

Later that night, I walked over to L&D with a friend, who had another friend working and we listened (so illegally) on the doppler. A faithful 155 beats per minute, lubb-dubbing away the instant the wand hit my stomach. Sigh of relief. She's healthy, she's ok.

I remember the first time I said it.. "she died for no reason." It was August. I was lying in bed, incidentally the exact same place I'm lying right now. I was sobbing uncontrollably as my mother and husband tried desperately to get me out of bed. I was saying "I want my baby" over and over, as I often did and still do. They were coaxing and trying and I finally screamed with such tantrum-like conviction, as if it had only then just occurred to me: "SHE DIED FOR NO REASON" and I ripped my arms away from my mother's, slammed my fists against the bed, and forcefully put the covers back over my entire body and cried long and hard. They stopped trying. We didn't have the autopsy back yet at that point, but it didn't matter. We knew there would be no explanation.

What happened to you my dear Kathlyn... what happened baby? Mommy is so sorry if it's something I did... I would have died for you, you have to know that... I'm so sorry.. I didn't know. I didn't know, baby.

My sweet little cherry baby.. I love you and I want you to be ok.. please be ok. I know now... I know how dangerous it is for you.. Mommy is doing her best. I can't make time go any faster. Grow the way you need to.. healthy and strong. I love you my baby, and I will tell you all about your sister as you grow. We'll all be together somehow, someway, and someday.