the house on lindbergh pkwy.

it's 8am on a monday, and i cant sleep. most of the east coast is getting up, unhappily, to start their work week. but i was off last night and im off tonight. with john asleep beside me, i just spent 4 hours in bed reading the newest picoult book.. my fave author.. i can never put her books down. i finally forced myself to do it, and i cant sleep. i dont know if it has anything to do with the dogs not being in the room.. they are in the laundry room where their crate and water is.. we're not letting them sleep on our floor because the carpet is freshly steam cleaned and still a little damp. it felt strange not to have them in there with us. makes me nervous to ever let katie sleep in our room in her bassinet.. im not gonna want her to leave!

when i was 6 or 7, my grandma bought me a little mini fan for my room. they didnt sell mini fans in new jersey.. the kind where the blades and face of the fan are small.. smaller than an adult face. but they sold them in corpus christi, texas, where it's hot all year, and my grandma had one in every room, and i wanted one. so i turned it on in my room at night, and to this day, i absolutly must have a fan on while i sleep.. i cannot stand to sleep in dead silence.

whenever i dream about my childhood, it's always in the first house on lindbergh parkway. wonders should cease.. i lived there for 14 years, longer than ive ever lived anywhere else. the house with the hall of mirrors. the never ending closet. the courts across the street. the ping pong table in the basement. the attic with no floors, where if you stepped in the wrong place, you'd fall through to my parents' room. the tiny bedrooms. the 70s wallpaper. the fuzzy carpeting. the pointy ceiling in the living room. the house with the mini fan in the little girl's bedroom, year round. the house that had a devastating fire, that ripped through the entire upstairs, burning the walls, and causing extensive smoke damage (never, ever goes away, i'll show you the stains the dresser that i still have), and water damage, that later turned into ice damage due to the many northern new jersey blizzards of 94.

when the upstairs was replaced, we had much bigger bedrooms, and i had... [cue heavenly music].. a ceiling fan installed into my bedroom. the only one in the house! except that the electrician did a horrible job installing it. it made the humming noise that i so desired and needed, but the entire unit swayed unnaturally, and every 10 seconds, it made 5 clinking sounds... metal hitting metal, i guess? i dont know. either way, it didn't keep me awake, i got used to it.

just now, before i came into our office here, john shifted in bed, the baby shifted in my stomach, i was focusing on the noise of the fan, the just-so position of my pillows needed for pregnancy, the abscence of deputy at my bedside, and i heard it.. the 5 clinks.. it was so clear, and comforting. i dont mind at all.. my senses can bring me back to the house on lindbergh anytime.