hearts

every year at this time.. as my birthday approaches, the anniversary of my father's passing approaches, followed immediately by his birthday and father's day, grief hits me. i heard "what hurts the most" on the radio on the way to work yesterday, and i lost it. i hear that song all the time, and it makes me sad, but this time of year, it was enough to make me cry. on the way to work, what a perfectly oppurtune time. i cant bring home life to work. i can't falter there, they need me to be 100%, so I was hoping no one would notice. why is it, when you WANT someone to notice, to ask if you're ok, so you can talk it out, you get nothing, and when you're trying to hide, everyone notices. anyway.. they noticed, but they knew enough not to say anything right before report.. nurses have compassion, intuition, and understanding, it's nice.

the average person, on the other hand, usually wont think before speaking. people think 5 years is a long time.. long enough to "be over" something. well, those people don't understand grief then. time, friends, family, prayer, faith, sure.. those things help you heal. but really, it's just been longer and longer since i've seen his face. heard his laugh. gotten a hug. told a joke. played a game. all the things that came natural and easy to us. what a great person.. man, if you didnt know him, you really missed out. sometimes i still cant believe this really happened, that he's really gone. there was no long, drawn out suffering disease, for that we can be thankful. but i had a whole 9 minutes to prepare for his death. 9 minutes to plead with God. 9 minutes before my life shattered, and i nearly kicked my open car door off of it's frame and slammed my hands against my steering wheel to scream into it, for no one to hear. i was alone, i wanted to be alone. no on needed to feel that with me. john pulled up behind me a few minutes later, i fell to my knees and i couldnt say it.. i couldnt say "he's gone, he's dead", not that i really had to. john had been a police officer for 42 days, still fresh on street training. he was willing to quit if it meant missing the funeral. his graduation from the academy, my 24th birthday, that is the last day we saw my daddy alive. i'll be 29 next week, im pregnant, a nurse, john is now a seasoned, cynical police officer of 5 years, we're married, with a house, 2 dogs. would he even recognize me? my daughter will be his 7th grandchild in 5 years... we have been so blessed. does that make it better or worse? he should have been here.. this is an alternate universe. somewhere the line got skewed in 2004 and this is not the right 2009.

my niece sydney (grandchild #3) was born with a disease that commonly comes with heart defects, though most people know the disease, down syndrome, for it's mental disabilities. she was born with two holes in her heart.. one across the atria, one across the ventricles. we always got good news.. the holes were shrinking.. until today.. her echo showed the holes are still there, and her heart is enlarging. anything involving the ventricles is always more serious than the atria, and that is where the trouble they are seeing is located. the risks of fixing it, open heart surgery, are high, of course, but just waiting will likely shorten her life. how ironic, that her heart is so big.. she is the light of our lives, she brings joy and smiles to anyone she meets. she knows no strangers, and will hug or play with just about anyone. but an enlarged heart means an unhealthy heart.. please pray for our sweet little sydney.

"with a heavy heart" - cliche' - sadly
"grief" - noun - deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement
"heart" - noun - 1 - the chambered muscular organ in vertebrates that pumps blood received from the veins into the arteries, thereby maintaining the flow of blood through the entire circulatory system - 2- capacity for sympathy or generosity; compassion, love, affection.